1. Place elbow at base of armrest, against the seat. Be first. Be casual, but quick and firm. Let go of inhibitions. Over the course of the flight, swivel arm over contested armrest while looking away. Seem interested in the in-case-of-crash card, or your book, or someone sitting ahead of you. Do not make contact with adversary. Do not apologize.
2. If your adversary claims armrest first, do not lose hope. Gather all the things you need to gather. Switch off your phone, ready your book or your laptop, secure your seatbelt, undo your top button, check for your life jacket under your seat, note your nearest exit, take your sleeping pill. Then wait. Be watchful. Lean your elbow against your adversary's. Wait for a mistake - a tightening of the seatbelt, a reaching for the crusty in-flight magazine, a scratching of the nose. He will make a mistake - they always do. When he vacates the base of the armrest, or cedes centimeters of ground, pounce. Casually, but firmly - like a firm but casual cat. Seem nonchalant. Hum the national anthem. Do not retreat: forwards ever, backwards never. Annex the base of the armrest.
3. Your adversary, if reasonable, will capitulate, sensing a power greater than his.
4. If unreasonable he will attempt to wait for you as you waited for him. But have you not gathered all the things? You planned ahead, and you are strong. You are a Masai warrior, a Buddhist monk. You will persist. You will cede no ground. You will take a nap without ever relaxing your tricep.
5. If resistant, he will attempt to re-claim lost ground. Do not be weak. Turn your elbows out. Interlace your fingers. Consider the clouds intently. Avoid eye contact. Invite no conversation with the enemy. You don’t need him. Did you not come to this earth alone? Are you not enough for yourself? Appear to doze off.
6. If belligerent he will attempt to make you uncomfortable with his arm-sweat. He will attempt to put your arm in his armpit or envelop you with his dank skin. You will feel a wetness of unknown provenance. (Is it his sweat, or mine? Or our sweat intermingling intercontinentally?). Do not be weak. Do not relax your tricep. Strange sweat is temporary. You will not die. Hum the song "Titanium" to lift the spirits.
7. If you have followed these instructions, you will reach your destination in full control of both armrests. If you find you have lost an armrest, reflect on your failures. Remember: not everyone was born to be great. Perhaps your divine purpose is to cede armrests to stronger strangers. Drink a bottle of wine in the shower, crying.
2. If your adversary claims armrest first, do not lose hope. Gather all the things you need to gather. Switch off your phone, ready your book or your laptop, secure your seatbelt, undo your top button, check for your life jacket under your seat, note your nearest exit, take your sleeping pill. Then wait. Be watchful. Lean your elbow against your adversary's. Wait for a mistake - a tightening of the seatbelt, a reaching for the crusty in-flight magazine, a scratching of the nose. He will make a mistake - they always do. When he vacates the base of the armrest, or cedes centimeters of ground, pounce. Casually, but firmly - like a firm but casual cat. Seem nonchalant. Hum the national anthem. Do not retreat: forwards ever, backwards never. Annex the base of the armrest.
3. Your adversary, if reasonable, will capitulate, sensing a power greater than his.
4. If unreasonable he will attempt to wait for you as you waited for him. But have you not gathered all the things? You planned ahead, and you are strong. You are a Masai warrior, a Buddhist monk. You will persist. You will cede no ground. You will take a nap without ever relaxing your tricep.
5. If resistant, he will attempt to re-claim lost ground. Do not be weak. Turn your elbows out. Interlace your fingers. Consider the clouds intently. Avoid eye contact. Invite no conversation with the enemy. You don’t need him. Did you not come to this earth alone? Are you not enough for yourself? Appear to doze off.
6. If belligerent he will attempt to make you uncomfortable with his arm-sweat. He will attempt to put your arm in his armpit or envelop you with his dank skin. You will feel a wetness of unknown provenance. (Is it his sweat, or mine? Or our sweat intermingling intercontinentally?). Do not be weak. Do not relax your tricep. Strange sweat is temporary. You will not die. Hum the song "Titanium" to lift the spirits.
7. If you have followed these instructions, you will reach your destination in full control of both armrests. If you find you have lost an armrest, reflect on your failures. Remember: not everyone was born to be great. Perhaps your divine purpose is to cede armrests to stronger strangers. Drink a bottle of wine in the shower, crying.
