Wandering eye, always look passed, not at. Don't meet his eye, never make contact. Wandering hand, always brush passed, not with the palm - it will give you away. The outside of the hand is better. Do it in your stride. Inadvertently collide with legs, butt, the small of his back. By accident. Never apologize, move on - your eyes will give you away. Your sweaty palms will give you away. Look passed, brush passed.
Hand on his shoulder. Not too long, not too short, put some force in it, not too lightly. Learn his burning sinews with your finger, you only have a little time to know them, know quickly. Take what you can, before he wizens to your lingering eye. Recall him later on your own in the dark. With all your heart, with all your hopelessness. Recall his random act of kindness - what did it mean?
Does he love me? Do I he? Of course not, my loves are many as the months. His will never be like mine.
As in chapel when you all kneel, as in class, as in choir, as at hockey practice - be vigilant, your body will betray you. Hockey tour change rooms, unabashed showers, swimming class in our regulation-royal-blue-speedos - water every where, not for drinking, but for drowning - be vigilant.
Why is he so beautiful and so mean? Why is she beautiful to him, not me?
*Image from: http://narqs.blogspot.com/2009_01_01_archive.html
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